I almost killed my son. I don't mean that jokingly, I mean literally. James, my 2 year old. The kids were all playing hide-n-seek, the adults were all out back talking. All of a sudden, I panicked, I hadn't seen James in way too long. Well we all started looking, all over the house, in the basement, under the beds, in closets...Nowhere. The guys were checking the cars, Toms was locked, Mine was empty, and no-one looked in Moms cause Tom and I had been in it earlier and Tom thought I had locked it. Well... After we had searched the house, and asked the neighbors, etc I decided to go looking around the neighborhood for him. The doors to moms car were locked so I asked Tom to bring me the keys. I had looked in the windows and saw nothing. He brought me the keys and I opened the car to get in, and there was James, passed out, in the driver side floorboard, naked. He was all sweaty and red, his skin was so hot. I grabbed him and ran in the house and started running a cool bath for him. I told Sherrie to bring him a glass of water. He wouldn't sit in the tub, just stand there. Sherrie brought him an ice cream cone. After he got out of the tub I just sat and cuddled on the couch. It took a long time to get his temp, heart rate, and pulse back to normal, but he seems ok now, cheerful, sweet baby. I can't believe I almost killed my baby. I love him so much. If I had remembered where the keys were and just locked the car, he would never have gotten in there. The guilt is over-whelming. But at least he's alive and as far as we can tell fine. He could have died.

Sigh

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like shit, my head is killing me, my stomach won't keep anything in it, I am tired all the time, and light headed. Sounds like pregnancy, but I assure you IT'S NOT! I just layed on the couch all night.

Tom was out until almost 3 this morning with Sherrie. For some stupid reason, I was jealous. I don't know why. Even after I knew they were home, I layed in bed, listening. Of course I didn't here much, sounds of cooking, or at least getting stuff out in the kitchen, nothing major. I was just hoing he'd come in and kiss me, hug me, just because he was home. :sigh: I finally fell off about 4:30, couldn't watch the clock anymore, and got tired of waiting. Just cuddled with the teddy bear.

I started thinking last night that I've been flirting with a monkey because it's attention, attention that I'm just not getting at home. :( I like flirting with him, he's fun, he likes what I like, and he really turns me on. But thats what Tom is supposed to do. Oh well, I'll take what I can get, from whereever I can get it.

argh!

I am stressing! I have been sick for too many days now. I am tired, I have a headache, and I am tired of girls with raging hormones!

I have been trying to actually work on the computer today. Not play games or post, but actually use the computer for the purpose it was designed. I have been putting off chool stuff for too long and just wanted to apply for some scholarships online. The interuptions to settle petty fights are getting to me.

De was home today and, of course, the noise level was excrutiating, the stress level was sky high as was the "Moooommm!" meter was running hard and fast.I want to change my name and join the Merchant Marines on days like these. My mom just came to pick up De, so at least the noise will settle down some. And the boys have been mostly good today, it has just been Liz and De. If Liz doesn't change her attitude I am going to rip her melon head right off her shoulders!

I just need yet another cigarette.