Longhand Blog 7/30/03

I am really hurt. I was informed, luckily early, that Gerald was taking Dad, Jerry and Cindy out to lunch. Not me, cause I won’t be working here anymore. Now I know what that conversation I over-heard yesterday was about. It really hurts that Dad is so happy to see me go. I guess I just want to know he’ll miss me and need me, not that I am so easily replaced and put aside. The lunch thing with Gerald bothers me because Gerald is my favorite rep. I really like him, and Dad blew me out of it yesterday. Oh well, I think I blew me out of it today. They all just left for lunch and I was working on the computer, Dad said something about the four of us going, but I was mad at him and not really paying attention. I’m not sure if he meant Gerald and the 3 of them or all 4 of us. (I found out today that I was not included and I was never meant to be included.) Anyway, I was entering some information into the computer and they just left so I guess I wasn’t included. I don’t want to cry over this but I am. It’s just stupid lunch. But why does it matter so much to me? I was so looking forward to seeing Gerald one last time. I hate being treated like a nobody who doesn’t matter to anybody!

Now I am REALLY GLAD I brought the cookies with me. It’s 3:30 and they are still not back from lunch yet!!!!! This so sucks!!!!!! (They finally got back at 4:40, they were gone from 1:20)

Oh well we did have some people in while they were gone so at least I am being useful! But mostly I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself doing nothing. I feel a little better, I deleted some boobie pics off of his computer. :P Serves him right.

When I got to Mom’s to pick up the kids she needed to talk to me. She thinks I resent her for something. I don’t know what. I don’t think I have been cold towards her, but she says I have. I don’t know, I guess I have to try to be better. She had some good suggestions once we got some of the things that were bothering her and me out of the way. She thinks I should go ahead and start school now, and work a full time job, if Tom is home it can be done, even if he is not, she can watch the boys after school. I really should do it now. It will take at least 3 years to get the degree that I want, but once I do, I can work anywhere I want to. I’ll have to call the schools, get the financial aid info, etc., and do it fast. More later.

Well, 3 days and counting..... I think Dad is excited and happy about me leaving :( I should be happier, but I'm not. I think I'm just scared. I want another job, but now with the school's thing possibly not being permanant, only substitute work, I'm afraid. I don't want my friendship with Cindy to end either. I really like her and we are so much alike, we have so much in common. I really like working with her, and with Jerry, but not with Dad. They make the job worthwhile, but I can't stay. I need to move on. I will have to go to the Board of Ed and talk to Debbie Berry about a teaching assistants job. Otherwise I really am going to need to find a permanant job, no matter how much I want to teach, subbing income won't be stable enough with Tom not working. More to contiplate on. Where can I find a decent job, in this little town, that I won't hate? hmmmmm. Crap.

I am so anxious for contractors to get back with us! I can't wait! I need to be patient. I don't even know if we can get the money we need to do this project yet. soon enough we will know.

We are know officially out of contact with Tony and Sherrie, they have moved and have no phone available and no internet conection, so I am dying to talk to her! I had gotten used to calling on my way home in the afternoons. Oh well, soon they will be settled and will start saving money for the move down here :D Though now I here it won't be a permanent move :*( Seems they will only be moving for a few months at first, then go back, help Barb more, then maybe come back again. I don't know. That makes me sad.

I am happy. Liz will be home from here stay in Marthas Vineyard on Friday,w00t! And DeAnne will be home from camp on friday afternoon. all the kids will be home, maybe not so good, lol. My vacation is over. Liz wants to do back to school shopping, but I don't know how much her budget will be. And Tom is no help what so ever. I need to know what to let her spend.

I am going to miss Jerry and Cindy when I leave, maybe even Daddy, doubtfully, but maybe. I really like Cindy. She is alot like me :) I hope we can stay friends and continue to build our relationship.

Ok, alot happened yesterday but I was just too tired to stay up and wait my trn at the computer to let you know.

We saw our first contractor yesterday afternoon. He was very nice (kinda cute too, nice eyes), didn't seem to think what we wanted would be incredibly hard or cost an extrordiary amount of money, a bonus on both points. PLus he can get to us fairly soon. So we don't have to wait forever. He'll have an estimate and timeline on how long the job will take and what they will do when, for us in a few days. The second contractor comes over today at 5:30. I am getting really excited about this project!

I had a great day at work. I really like the new woman that dad hired. Much better than Mary! Her name is Cindy and she's not nuts! I hope she works out. All the stuff we were throwing at her yesterday I sure was a bit overwhelming.

I was surprised when I came home. My darling husband mopped our nasty kitchen floor! It made me so happy to see white tiles again :) Plus he showered and shaved off his beard! I like him with the clean shaven look:) But he doesn't like to shave, sensititve skin, razor burn and all.

So all in all yesterday was good. I'll try to post tonight after we meet with the other contractor, let you know how it went.

Yes at times like these I wish I knew how to type without looking at the keys. I am sitting at the computer, in the dark, trying to type this by the light of the screen. Bear with me.

I can't believe I am still up either. I know it's unlike me. It must be the stress or the depression or something. I don't know what.

I am excited because we have our first contractor over tomorrow afternoon to give us an estimate on the work we want done on the house.

I'm depressed because the house is such a mess and I don't want anyone to see it. It's so cluttered, I just wat to throw things away, but it seems like such a waste to do that. I have such a hard time getting anyone to help me keep it clean that it's driving me insane! It's good to talk to Sherrie, then I at least get some of these feelings out.

I am so screwed up. Maybe it's just that so many good things have been happening to me lately and I feel guilty because Tom is having such a rough time. Work has been going good. Dad hired a new girl, Cindy, she starts in the morning. I like her, I hope she'll work out. The house stuff is moving forward. I've been getting things accomplished. Dad and I aren't fighting anymore. But the better I am, the worse Tom seems to be. I don't know what to do. I wish he would call a shrink.

So, why if things are going well am I up at 5 am? Why have I been up til at least 3 for the last three days? What is wrong with me? I was in bed. It felt wrong. I didn't feel right laying next to Tom. Guilty. I don't know why, maybe for coming to bed so late. I decided, what the hell, I'm up, I'll Blog, get dressed, then catch a cat nap on the couch til 8 when I have to get up anyway. I wanted to clean, but I'm afraid I'll make too much noise and wake someone up. Well I'm not making any noise except the tapping of the keys, and Thomas just walked out and decided to settle himself on the sofa! So maybe I won't catch that cat nap.

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
Category	Your Score	Average
Self-Lovin'	48.3% When I think about you - or anyone - I touch myself	64.6%
Shamelessness	47.6% Puts 'em on the glass	79.1%
Sex Drive	47.4% I got needs, baby, you gotta unnastan'!	77.3%
Straightness	1.8% Knows the other body type like a map	44.4%
Gayness	58.9% Had that experience at camp	82.8%
Fucking Sick	84.1% Refreshingly normal	89.6%
You are 51.41% pure Average Score: 72.2%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up!

I must say, so much has gone on. I should have posted more. Dad and I have made up. We talked, he didn't realize he was treating me so badly and that was the reason I was avoiding him, and going to work, and ever since he has been great. I was so happy he even fixed the air conditioning yesterday, for me! Jerry told me that when he came to work dad said "Lets make Monica happy today, lets fix the AC." I was flabergasted when Jerry told me. But it made me feel really good, the perfect end to a perfect day. Yesterday was GREAT!!!!! The best day I've had in quite awhile.... No the OMG fantastic sex last night was the perfect end, but I digress.

We got some, new to us, furniture from Tronda. And re-arranged the living room, and Elizabeths room. We have to go work on De's room/the children's den. Liz put all her stuff in there and we partly took apart the bed, so it's a mess again, I'll have to go clean it. After Liz gets all her crap out.

2 of the 3 contractors that I have called, have called me back. One is coming Monday, the other is coming Tuesday. To give us an estimate on the remodeling work that we want done. I think if we can manage to get the money, it will be great! The problem is that we've been late with the mortgage by 3 months twice in the last year. That is not going to look good to the bank. I think even if I can't get the extra money from refinancing I my take out a home improvrement loan or some such. I really want to do this. I have my heart set now, which is gonna make it really hard if it doesn't work out.

More later, gotta get ready for work.

I feel so work lazy I have worked a total of 2 hours this week. But truthfully, I really don't care. Soon my job there will be done! So much has happened since I last posted, I don't know where to start. Ok I guess I'll start with what's most on my mind.
In yesterday's paper was an announcement that the school board was cutting 32 of 38 teaching assistant positions for next year. This kind of kills my job opportunity for the school year, at least a permanent position. The best I can do I guess is do my best to sub as much as possible. Begin filling my calendar before school starts and go from there. I don't want to stay with Daddy, but now I'm kinda scared not to. I just have to keep my confidence up, stick to my guns and not go back to Daddy.
Monday was bad but good. Mom upset me, De upset me, and nothing went right. Tom was horrible; Dr. Merwin was out of town. The only good thing that happened was that we got our income tax check in the mail. We got to deposit over $5000 so that was a good thing. I ran lots of errands.
Yesterday we went shopping, went to the pawn shop, they were having a clearance sale :). We got a GameCube & 2 controllers for $60 and a PS2 for $80 and Grand Theft Auto 3 for $10 Q-Bert for $5, got Thomas a couple of videos for $2 each, a memory card for each system PS2 was $18 Cube was $7.50 I think we made out well. Then we went to Wal-Mart and did b-day shopping for De. We also got Mario Party 4 :D wooohoooo!!!! Then we went out to dinner, and as soon as we sat down, Liz calls, Lake & Ann had just dropped her off, where are we, so I drove home and got her, and drove back to Tom and the boys. While I was driving, Mom calls, Tronda is getting rid of some furniture, and do I want it. Hell Yeah! I know it's got to be in good condition, we just have to go get it. A couch, chair, ottoman, console TV, bedroom set, that's it I think. So Liz will get a new bedroom set, we'll a new couch and chair either upstairs or down, the "kids Den" will get better than a 13" TV. I think we'll make out well.
So yesterday was good. I stayed up until after 5 in the morning! OMG! Can you believe it!?! We went to bed at around 4:30 but I just couldn't sleep. We had a good day. It was nice.
Sherrie and I were on the phone for over 2 hours then got on the computer and IM'd. It was so cool. It was so good to talk to her for so long. I miss her. But talking to her so much lately has made the stress so much easier to handle. Made dealing with mother so much less of an ordeal. Made me stop thinking about taking De back and never speaking to my parents again! Ok, I know I couldn't do that, but sometimes I think it would be nice!
I'm trying to pick a new av. for WWdN I just don't know what to pick. It's a much harder decision than I thought. If I knew what I wanted it might help. But I don't even have a theme in mind. There are so many out there, but I see that I have had the peaches for so long and I don't want to go too radical. I also figure it won't get changed for awhile.