I am so bored! I want Sherrie to come online and talk to me! Tom is helping Kim and Patrick unpack. I can't even go to the store to get the few things we need for dinner because I have no car, and I'm bored. i have a report I could work on, but I am procrastinating yet again. So far I have baked bread (for dinner), helped Liz with homework, and washed dishes to procrastinate.

I wish I knew what was wrong with my car. I know it's going to cost more money than I have. I REALLY hope I can convince my father to pay for it. It just died while I was driving down the road. No clue why. It did that once before. I don't remember what it was that time either. I hope to God it doesn't cost me a fortune.

Hell. Today started out good. English was canceled so I got to come home early, I got a lot of cleaning and laundry done. Made the deposit, went to the store, paid the electric bill. I was feeling pretty good about getting so much accomplished. Then Tom went to work. DeAnne is home until Tuesday. She started out great, all helpful and nice and being a great kid. Then I don’t know what happened to her. I asked her to put away her laundry that has been sitting on her dresser for several weeks, hissy fit. I told her to make her bed, because I made it yesterday and she was roughhousing on it and pulled the blankets off, hissy fit.

I let all the girls have ½ hour of computer time each and Thomas 15 minutes, then watch TV, while I washed dishes and folded laundry. I then asked the girls to help me. Liz to empty the dishwasher, among other things, and De to crush cans (because she said earlier she would). Hissy fit. When she went outside and saw that some of the cans in the recycling box were not crushed she yelled at me, “Mom, why did you out uncrushed cans in here, you know they’re not supposed to be in here, are you trying to make it harder for me?,” etc., etc. To which I went outside and informed her I didn’t do it and not to speak to me like that.
I wanted to slap her face so badly, but restrained myself, instead I just pulled the uncrushed cans out of the box. She stopped before she was done to play with Thomas and James, then complained about it. I didn’t tell her to watch them or play with them, I asked her to crush the cans, which she never finished. Hissy fit.

She kept throwing in my face how she hates me, she hates living here, she wants to go back to Grandmas house, no one loves her, we always yell at her, etc. I told her, to think about maybe the way she gets treated is because of the way she treats us. She is always yelling at all of us, screaming and having fits.

I asked her to set the table for dinner, while Liz made the side dishes and I grilled the meat, hissy fit. Hell Liz even helped her with that one. I called them for dinner, the boys were playing in the backyard and I called them as I brought in the porkchops. De came out and James came up the stairs, Thomas wasn’t coming, so while she was standing there, porkchops in hand, I yelled to Thomas, “Dinner is ready, come inside.” I turned, and went in. Put dinner on the table, no De and Thomas. I look out the window, De is hanging on the rope and Thomas is climbing the ladder. I was sooo angry! I went outside and told them to get inside, gave them a swat as they came up the stairs. Thomas took his, not a problem, because he knew he deserved it. De tried to tell me she didn’t know it was time for dinner! I was incredulous. I should have given her 2 swats, one for disobeying and one for lying. Of course, you guessed it, hissy fit.

She is pushing my limits and wasn’t even here for a full day. Had a hissy at dinner, I forget what about now, cutting her meat I think. And another over a TV show…still at the dinner table. I just don’t understand why she is so good and well behaved at my mothers and not at home. What am I doing wrong? She makes me feel like such a bad parent. I feel so inadequate with her. I feel like I know nothing. All the other kids are such good, well mannered, well behaved, sweet, caring, loving,. Non-hissy fit throwing children…with the exception of an occasional from Thomas, but that is to be expected from an over tired or hungry 4 year old, not a ten-year-old. The real problem is, it really makes me not want her here. On one hand I want her home, on the other, I never want her to come home. James started the saying “Idiot” again, I thought we finally got that stopped. And Thomas starting hitting James more again, hitting for no apparent reason. The only thing I can attribute it to is De being home, because it didn’t start until after she had the 2 of them alone for awhile, and was yelling and screaming at them. I like the peace that falls over my house when she is not here. I like the quiet and the calm. I like the non-violence. I like the peace, the tranquillity. I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what happened to me. I didn’t have a horrible day, but I came home and a downer hit me like a slap in the face. All of a sudden this great depression, which just didn’t want to be lifted, descended upon me. I wish I knew what happened. I think it was coming home and Tom was gone already and nothing had been done since I left, even the one thing I asked him to do, wash James’ sheets. Not a damn thing had been done. I had intended today to be a cleaning day since we are helping Kim and Patrick move this weekend. The living room was a mess, laundry needs to be done, the boys’ room could stand to be picked up again, and the kitchen needs to be scrubbed… So much to do, and it seems like I never have any spare time. I have done 4 loads of laundry picked up the living room some. At least I feel like I have accomplished something.

Ellie took the kids to her house for dinner so I could go hear the Tennessee Principal of the Year speak at Carson Newman, she was really interesting. I hate when Ellie gets the boys home so late though. It's 2 hours past bedtime, and James is so wound up he doesn't want to sleep. At least Thomas fell right to sleep. Sounds like James is finally asleep too. Only took him an hour!

I am trying to relax and stop being so depressed now. Talking to Randy helps me not feel so down, and Sherrie was helping, but she disappeared. I get so lonely at night when Tom is at work. Maybe that’s why I’m down. I don’t know. I just need a friend to talk to, to do stuff with, and to be with when I get lonely. Ah Sherrie, I can’t wait until you come home…sigh.

Had an interesting day. I subbed for Mrs. Mabry, 7th grade Science, the class was interesting, however I had a few kids who wouldn’t STOP! Anthony wouldn’t give it up. He was being disrespectful, loud, I was so angry at his behavior, if we had had class for 10 more minutes, he would have gotten an office referral. Instead he got moved to the front and an extra sheet of homework.

Before I left school, De was being disrespectful. I’m sure she was just showing off, but it pissed me off.

Then I came home, and Liz decided to be disrespectful and argumentative with me, and we argued for about 30 minutes about nothing in particular. Her sarcasm is bothering me. She wants a detailed explanation anytime I say “No.” She doesn’t want me to talk to anyone about her. I’m not “allowed” to tell anyone anything bad about her. What is with kids giving me a hard time today?

I have no clue what I am going to make for dinner. I am hungry but I don’t know what for. I can’t think of anything good off hand. Thomas and James have both been sick for the last couple of days and are finally getting a bit better, but I don’t want to make anything that will upset their stomachs anymore than they already are.

Clifford is sooooo funny today! I usually don’t find it this amusing, but it is really funny today. Clifford and his buddies are making up a story as they go along, and it’s really goofy! It reminds me of playing Mad Libs with Tony and Sherrie. Ahhhh, I miss that. Can’t wait to do that again.

I got both my New Testament paper and My English 101 paper turned in yesterday nice and early. I have a test on Monday and one on Wednesday. That so bites! I really hate that part of going to school. I like being back to school. It makes me feel worthy, the only problem is we need money. I will have to get a job somewhere, doing something. I also am going to have to apply for food stamps and stuff. We have to have it. At least until I get a job. I wish we could afford for me not to work. I hate feeling pressured to work as well as go to school. It is so much to do. And soon I have to start doing my practicum, which is essentially working and not getting paid. I need a vacation!

Now I am depressed. I was already worried about Sherrie. Now I am depressed too. You see, De is sick you see. Mom told me this morning that when she woke up Dad would be bringing her over so I could take her to the doctor. I called a little while ago. She is at their house, Dad is at work and has been since this morning. Seems he gave her a choice, and she chose to stay there alone than come home. Why does my child hate me? I don’t know what to do? I want to make her come home just to punish her, but I know letting her stay there is better for her. Am I that bad a mother? None of the other kids seem to hate me this way. She doesn’t even want to be with me when she’s sick, she would rather be alone. I just wanted to take care of her. Yes I tried to guilt her a bit and let her know how I felt. Let her know it hurt my feelings that she didn’t come home. Why doesn’t she ever want to come home? She wants to play with Liz. She Just doesn’t ever seem to want to come home. I don’t understand it. I want to cry.

Damn, today was a rough day! It was long and hard and seemed to be never ending. Got to wake up with a call from the Mortgage Company, send us money now or we foreclose. Unfortunately, I have no money. So we have to wait for Tom to get paid again, and hope we can get some more money in before they want it all by. I want so badly to borrow the money from somewhere, but I honestly have no clue where I would borrow the money. I am so tempted to call Ade or Uncle Jim, but I really don’t want to do that. I know I can’t get it from my mom, I already owe her a couple of mortgage payments.

Today was my long day at school, so it was rough. I picked up my hitchhiker, and his roommate, again this morning, I gave him my number and told him to call if he needed a ride to class. Nice guy, except he kept calling me ma’am.

I got to come home for awhile and take a short nap, My 1 o‘clock Intro. To Secondary Ed class was canceled so I got to come home, have lunch and a short nap. My English Prof. sprung another essay on us, due Friday, just the rough draft, but still, damn. When does she expect us to do it? I have no clue what I am going to write about. We will have a quiz in my Special Ed class next Mon. all memorizing dates, and law numbers. And of course in Human Development (psych) we have to read yet another section of the book, 2 more chapters, hell I never read the last 3, I didn’t realize we were supposed to. I took 5 pages of notes in there tonight! This is beginning to feel overwhelming.

On top of all that, Girl Scouts is starting up again, I am the Fall Product sale chair for the service unit (aahh) and we haven’t had our first meeting yet as a troop. I don’t know how I am going to do it this year. I feel so overwhelmed. I am going to have to get help or I will not be able to do scouts. I have decided to have a parent meeting, at Ellie’s suggestion, and inform the parents of my situation and what I will need from them. I can NOT do it all on my own!

When I came home tonight at 9:15, none of the kids were in bed. And lucky me, De was here. That frustrates the living hell out of me! I want them to be in bed at least, if not asleep. I think, when Dr. Osborne lets us out early I may go over to the MSAC or the library and hang out until 10 (when class is supposed to get out) just so I don’t have to deal with kids. I know that sounds terrible, but tonight I was in no mood. When I saw all the kids were out of bed still, I just wanted to scream! But what could I do, except help put them to bed, they are my kids after all.

So many feelings today, it’s been a rough one, good but rough. This morning I started off my day by doing a good deed. I picked up a hitchhiker. :-0 It was another student on his way to class, don’t worry…and he was cute, an added bonus. I was a little late for New Testament, but he hadn’t gotten to my name yet, so I wasn’t late;-) Then I had English, turned in my first rough draft. I was so nervous. I wanted Sherrie to read it first, but I couldn’t reach her. I hope it gets a good grade. It’s about Elizabeth. After class I hauled ass to the middle school and my afternoon subbing job, 7th grade Science.

The afternoon was good. After school, I went to Food lion and put an application in. As soon as I walked in the door, Lillie looked really relieved, and before she even looked at my application, asked, “can you start training tomorrow?” That shocked the heck out of me. But Yeah I can. She brought me into the store manager, Debbie, and she interviewed me. So if Lillie calls tonight, I may start tomorrow! She told me when I left, that she already put me on the schedule! Now she just has to talk to Debbie and get Debbie to agree. Evidently they need people rather badly. Now we just need to work out a baby-sitter.

I wish Tom had had such a good day, but he’s dizzy and didn’t go to work. I lied to my Mom about it, because I didn’t want to listen to her bitch. I REALLY want to talk to Sherrie but she has been MIA for the last few days. I really miss talking to her. I wanted her to read my paper before I had to turn it in, but she wasn’t around for it. As soon as she gets back, she’d better let me know so I can send it to her.

After a delicious dinner, I went outside and mowed the lawn. My hands are still tingling. I was mowing until well after dark, 8:45, I finally finished! But the lawn no longer looks like a hay field. Now we just have to rake it all up tomorrow. Plus I want to either borrow or rent a chain saw to cut up the brush and the tree in the back so the back doesn’t look so much like a jungle. I have accomplished so much today and it feels good. I hope I can get as much done tomorrow. Now it’s time for cold beer and relaxation.

Blogging again, yes its been that kind of day. I'm tired. Tom got off to work ok. He slept until 1:30. But woke up feeling pretty ok. The doctor said James was doing much better than she expected. His lymph nodes were no longer swollen, throat looked clear, ears were clear. Just finish up the coarse of antibiotics. I went to pick up my paycheck from my dad, unfortunately he lost one of my timecards and instead of getting almost $1000, I only got $469. I really need that money. Hell, he argued with me at first and then swore up and down that he didn’t owe me anymore money. I showed him that he hadn’t paid me since before July 4th. Thank God he puts the dates on all his checks. But now he has to find my timecard. :P

I don’t know what I feel this morning. I am frustrated, worried, aggravated, and so many other things, all rolled into one big knot. Let me start at the beginning. I woke with my alarm at 6:30 with the bedroom light still on, and me alone in the bed. It scared me, so I sat up like a shot, jumped out of bed and went looking for Tom. All the lights were out as I came up the stairs so my heart started racing even faster. As I came into the living room I saw that no one was at the computer so I panicked and called out his name. Tom was in the kitchen. He had fallen asleep at the computer again, and just woken up when he heard the alarms go off. This of course is not good. He already has a bad headache, and as we all know headache=dizzy. He has to go back to work tonight, if he misses work tonight he won’t get paid for yesterday. And him sleeping now messes up our plans for today. James has a Doctors appointment today to re-check his strep throat and lymph nodes, we were going to go together, and then hit my dad up for the money he owes me. Plus I really need to go to Carson Newman and see about getting into an easier Math class. The College Math for Education Majors sounds right up my alley. I hope I can do all that dragging Thomas and James around all day. Maybe I can bring them up to Ellie’s for a bit…I’ll call her after James appointment, see if she’ll come own, the house is clean, she might. And I still have Algebra homework that Tom was going to help me with today, just to see if I could do it, and if I can’t drop the class, it’s due tomorrow… Ah well, so much to do, so little time. I should go and get working, stop my procrastination.

My dream washer and dryer, sigh.

Today is so lazy. I know I should do something, I just don’t want to. Something about the fact that it’s a holiday maybe. At least we got all of the recycling out and up plus I’ve gotten almost all of the laundry done. That is an accomplishment!

De is here for the afternoon. She was here for almost an hour before the fighting started. Now they have all separated, and are doing their own thing. She has changed a lot at Mom’s house, her personality, but she still can’t share with her siblings, strangers are ok, but not siblings. She always seems to want everything for herself, and anytime she is here for any length of time she reverts back to her old ways. You can see the difference when she first comes, but as time goes on, she slowly goes back…. I don’t know what to do to keep her the way she is when she first gets here, or how others see her when she is not here. Mom said they got compliments on her behavior last night at the car dealership. She watched another little boy for several hours while Mom and Dad bought a car. (They traded in their car and Ade’s car for a new one.) They were there from 4:30 until 9:30and Mom said she watched this kid for like 2 hours, a toddler, while his parents were busy buying a car. Why can’t she be that good for me, or am I just blind to it? Am I just blind to the good kid she can be? Do I just see her bad qualities? Do I look for the things that annoy me? I wish I knew. I don’t want to think that, but I am afraid that maybe I do.