At least I worked at work today. Jerry is fun, working with Jerry is fun, he is a cool guy. I wish the damn phone repair man would get here. "sometime between 1 and 6" that so sucks! I have things to do, errends to run, I need to get gas for the mower, return the movies, pay the electric bill, so much to do....... what can I say, I have to sit around here and wait to pay the phone repairman $110 for showing up. That so sucks!

I wish kids were more dependable.... unfortuately that's what makes them kids. Tom left them here alone, while he went to the doctor to have blood drawn, shouldn't have taken to long, but new girl and took forever! While he was gone, the girls made pancakes, not good, never cleaned up after themselves, still haven't! Then he had to come to me, so I could fax his insurance info to the surgeon and the surgery center. While I was gone Liz got on the internet twice, without permission, grounds for grounding. De went nuts, neither of them watched Thomas and he got into band-aids, and his birthday cake. Luckily James was in a nap.

It was nice to see Tom during the day, the only drawback was, my only customer for the day came in while Tom was there, so I was with a customer more than with Tom :( The customer was Coach Jett, the teacher I subbed for the last week of school :)
My first day back to work was nice cuz I didn't have to deal with Dad. :) It was nice to be on puter most of day, except it was dial-up HELL!!!!! OMG SLOW!!!!!! What did I do before cable???????? I HATE DIAL-UP HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh well, Dad will be gone this week and it's dial-up hell or nothing, so it will have to do.

Since the Blog goes backwards, so too shall I. We had a nice day. Tortured the kids ;-) Made them do chores all day! Fold laundry, clean, etc. Just to give them a hard time. It was enjoyable, they bickered all day so this was our punishment, and we enjoyed it, probably too much. We went up to Ellie's for dinner, I brought veggie and dessert, she made leg of lamb and mashed potatoes (YUMMMMMMM) Big Tom was at work and my parents left for PA right after Paula's party yesterday, so it was just the seven of us. It was wonderful dinner. Thomas was so happy and content, I was I had remembered my camera :-(

We got home about 9:45, had messages from Ade so I tried to call her back, but she was out, so Thomas talked to Pop for his birthday. Ade called back a bit after 10 but we had just gotten Thomas to bed so we let him talk to her. He was soooo excited. He loves talking on the phone. It's a shame our home phone isn't working right now, only the cell.

After the kids got settled, we decided t watch Dude Where's my Car. OMG!!!!!! That is such a funny movie! We decided about halfway through that it would be even funnier drunk, so we started drinking :-) Got DRUNK! IT WAS SOOOOO FUNNY. The movie was hilarious with and without alcohol. That is a must watch with Tony and Sherrie, at least Sherrie. And even a buy! Then we were still in a laughing, drinking mood, so we decided to watch Shanghai Noon, not nearly as funny, way to serious for how we were feeling. But we stayed drunk and had a great night. I was drinking kicked up chocolate milk, he had tea and Jim, and Crown Royal. It was fun getting drunk with my hubby.

When we finally went to bed at 3:45!!!! We had wild monkey sex! OMG WILD MONKEY SEX!!! Great sex! Sex we haven't had since we were dating sex! The desperate, pawing, horny, grabbing, clutching, hot and heavy, I need you now, give it to me hard and fast sex you have when you are dating, not when you've been married for 5 years. It was amazing. Then we went outside (naked) and had a cigarette, yes my husband, was buck, outside! For the second time this week I might add, he also slept naked for the second time this week. It was great! We finally got settled down for the night around 5, not conducive to being good parents in the morning, not that we cared at the time: D. The kids lets us sleep peacefully until about 9:45 or so, when the girls woke me with fighting, but let us go back to sleep. I got up for good around 11, Tom at 12:45. Unfortunately the Internet is not working so it might be awhile before I can post this.

DeAnne's giving us a hard time, so I am making her clean the boys room. She is being a little witch today. When is she not?!? Again I am tempted. She was gone with my mom the other day for about 24 hours, and the house was so calm and peaceful. It makes me want that permanently! I want that calm all the time, no fighting, the happiness, the quiet......

But I digress I was talking about the fun last night, and it was fun!!!!!!! So let's keep that in mind and stay happy. woooooooooooooohooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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Saturday, May 24, 2003. We went to Dawn and Vinces' house for Paulas graduation party. She has graduated from high school at last. It was a great Bar-be-Que. Vince and Dawn are great friends. I am glad we chose them to be James' Godparents. It was a fun time, they even had beer, unfortunately, I did not get to drink, because Tom was dizzy and I was afraid I would have to drive home :-(

But Thomas made a friend. Dawn's sister, Gina has a little girl, Lauren, who is 4 and they got along soooo well, they played all afternoon. It was soooo cute to watch them :-) I got Ginas number, and gave her mine. She lives in Sevierville. She's alot like Vince, we got along well: -D

We were there for several hours (2-almost 6) Had a great time, people from church, friends of Paula's, family of Vince and Dawns. I felt really special to be invited. It wasn't until afterward that Paula reminded me that she had invited me to the commencement also, at Walter's State, and I forgot. I felt like a heel.

All in all it was a nice day. Plus we ate so much, I didn't need to cook dinner :-D They had burgers, dogs, chicken, sausage and peppers, all the fixins, 5 kinds of salads, chips, veggie trays, desserts, so much yummy food :)

Then Liz and I went and rented movies for us, we got the 5 for 5 deal. Almost Heroes, Shanghai Noon, Dude Where's My Car, for me and Tom, Liz got The Beautician and the Beast and she got The Polar Bear King for De and Thomas. That was her graduation "gift" to watch movies and have popcorn. Course I crashed on the couch soon after we got home. Not sure why. Tom sent the kids to bed at 10. I woke up at 3 and asked if it was really 3 and told him to get off the puter and come to bed with me. He read to me for about a half an hour, then we went to bed. We still slept late.

Today has been a mostly good day. I was upset with Tom somewhat. He didn't get up this morning when I told him to, so he was late for Elizabeth's graduation. He missed her getting the Accelerated Reader award (she had 388 points, more than 150 more than the 2nd place person) but he got there in time to see her graduate. I can't really blame him, he hasn't been feeling so well, and not sleeping well because of it. Our phone is finally working again, thank goodness. We have to change our phone service, it's costing us an arm and a leg, $67 and change a month with taxes. I don't know why it wasn't, maybe Tom can tell me.

He informed me we bounced a check, but I don't know how.... Shit we need money! I can't wait for our tax return to come in so we can pay things off! I hate owing money and having no money! Being paid once a month sucks! Then when I went to the pharmacy to pick up Tom's medicine ($60 OMG!!! because he has a sinus infection on top of his allergies) It declined my credit card, then it said my debit card was invalid number, I have no clue whats going on! We deposited $750 yesterday, it would be in there now! So I had to come home and get cash. So we now owe Girl Scouts like $420. That so sucks! I hate owing money!!! Hopefully once we get everything up to date, we can refinance the house and get a lower intrest rate, so our payments will go down.

Anyway. Today the kids had a carnival at school, so it was fun. I had a bunch of kids sign a book for me, it was cute. Jacky Chan gave me a clay pot he made in art because he likes me :-) I am going down to the Board of Ed tomorrow to put in an application for a teaching assisstant position. I know one will be open next year, and the director told me to come down so....... I really want to teach, so this is my foot in the door until I can get my license. The kids were so great today. Liz really liked being at the middle school. It was a really fun day. All went well 'til we left :-( See I need to teach, so my day's are good :-)

You are a Hippie. Wow.


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Ahhhhhhh! Today was rough! I had the 6th graders that stayed behind on the field trip. Ana gave me such a hard time today! She acted like De. It was horrible! Everything I said, she argued. I even bought them all ice cream, all 10 of them. I had to tell her no ten times, and yet she still argued. It was driving me nuts! She just kept pushing and pushing. I should have sent her to Mr Jett or Mr McClain, but I didn't want her in that much trouble. And I didn't want to admit failure, plus I have to teach for Ms. Dyer on Monday. Oh well, I'm home and can relax.... except, I forgot that I had to plan our end of the Girl Scout picnic on Monday.... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh I wish I didn't have so many responsibilities!

I had such a great day, until I came home. So I'll tell about the great day part first. I have been with Ms Dyer's class all week. Teaching went great! The kids Love me. They were all upset when I told them I wouldn't be there tomorrow, Mr. Braun, HS World Geography got to me first (three weeks ago.) But they were thrilled when I told them I would be back on Monday and Tuesday (they have a field trip on Friday), possibly more than that. I told Marilyn I would be there as much as she needed me to be. I really love her class. And they love me :-) Plus, I have a job for Friday, both Mr. Brown and Ms Bryant need someone for Friday, so my calendar is really filling up. I am really happy doing this. I want to go back to school.
I met Debbie Berry (director of Special Ed) yesterday. She told me to come down to the Dept. of Ed. and fill out an application for a full time teachers aide position for special ed., they are looking for a female. I could do it, it's only 6.50 an hour, 7 hours a day, but it comes with full benefits, 12 months a year pay. I think it would be good foothold. Not that much less than I am making now, plus it has benefits (i.e. insurance woooohoooo) I don't know if I should or not. I really need to pray on it. Some arrangements would have to be made for the boys, but as an Aide I could leave at 3. As a sub I have to wait until kids are gone, 3:30. I want so badly to teach. These last few days with these kids, I have really gotten a taste of what I want. Hell Marilyn came to the school as I was leaving (at 3:45) and I ended up staying until 5:30 with her, trying to work on some of the kids’ web-site stuff. I couldn't believe it :-) It was happy:-) I could do this everyday. It's funny, cause today, the kids weren't even that great. I caught one girl cheating, taking Accelerated Reader tested for a boy she likes, turns out it was 3. She thought he was mad at him, so she took the tests for him hoping he could go to the pizza party with her? I don't know who knows why 6th grade girls do these things? Anyway, had to have the tests taken off both of their grades in the computer. Everyone else was a bit wild today too. The end is near so control by someone new is almost impossible. But still it was great and I loved it: -D
Coming home was another story. The house is a shambles as usual. Tom does absolutely nothing to help keep it clean. That really bothers me. It seems that like everyday when I come home, it's worse than the day before, even if I cleaned the night before. The kids are fighting. And being loud, not being helpful, bickering, I hate coming home anymore. I hate coming home to a mess. I hate coming home to find more stuff Thomas has gotten into...today evidently it was a jar of Peanut Butter. I wish we had a maid, or a magic genie or something!

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, home at last! It has been a long day. I just long to put my feet up and relax. I subbed for a sixth grade english teacher today, Mrs Dyer. Very nice lady. Fun classes. Elizabeth was mortified though, when this afternoon some of the kids I had had today stopped her in the hall at the middle school and told her I was a cool sub.... Can you believe it!?! A Cool Sub!?! I love it! I am so happy, it made my day!
I went to the grocery store, and took all but Dee. I hate shopping with kids. It so sucks! It has been such a long day. Tom and I stayed up late last night watching our Friends tapes, then he read to me for awhile, so I am tired after getting up early for school. But it was a good day all in all. I just have to get De to do some chores. She better hurry eating. I am getting so tired of her crap!

Happy Mothers Day to me :-) Today was pretty good for the most part, but I am tired of kids, it's 10pm and we just got home. The kids woke me up, but Tom came upstairs and took care of it. They let me sleep for about an hour more. Then woke me up with breakfast in bed. The muffins were burned (but only because the power went out in the middle of cooking and the girls didn't know any better and left them in after the power came back on for the full cook time) Plus they were mini muffins and they cooked them for the time of big muffins, so too much anyway. Tom made me fried eggs, and he didn't break the yolks :) They're so good to me.
I can't believe Liz's present, and she thought of it by herself! It's a big bottle of Godiva White Chocolate too. Course she only brought along $10 to pay for it, so Dad paid.
I can't believe Tom's present either. A manicure and pedicure, just like he got his mom. Turns out he was "feeling me out" to see if it was a good idea. Plus I got wonderful afternoon love making session before we went out :-D Bonus gift ;-)
We went out to dinner at the Olive Garden.....Yummy! Never been before, I wanted to try something new. We took Ellie, cause Big Tom worked today til 9, so we thought it was the least we could do. Ellie LOVED her gift, no-one had ever thought of giving her anything like that, and she'd never had it done, so she was thrilled. I made the mistake of looking at the check. I wish I didn't know how much it cost. $97. without the tip. Tom and Ellie had drinks, and we all had dessert, so I can't really complain. Plus Liz ate off the adult menu and got an adult dessert. She is gonna be one expensive date! The night was great until the ride home; the kids were loud and rotten, but it was already 9 by the time we left the restaurant, so I can't blame them. But all in all a wonderful day.

I am sooooo angry! Every time I try to calm down, or start to relax, they do something else. I have been pushed as far as I can take! I can't take anymore! I feel so overloaded. I have fun on WWDN, calm down, kids stress me out. Talk to Sherrie, calm down, kids do something else. Tom comes home, calm down kids push me over the edge. I can't take anymore! I think I'll be drinking tonight! But I still have responsibilities, I must go to the grocery store and get WIC for the morning. I will listen to Saturday night 80's to relax, but that will be awhile. Boys need to settle down. Girls need to quit back biting. All needs to quiet. My heart is racing. My hands are shaking. I am seething. I wish I could take a drive. Be irresponsible for awhile. Damn I wish Tom were home. I could cope if I had some help.

I went to mow, I am back I gave each girl things to do while I was mowing, De did not finish anything, even folding the laundry which should have taken 15 minutes. I was outside for 1 1/2 hours! IBut nothing was done that I asked in that hour and a half! Why must I lord over them, be a slave driver, to get them to DO anything!?!

And don't me started on my neighbors! Ya know, the ones who spent $14,000 on landscaping? Well they have put some of that brush, a tree limb to be exact in our yard! That so pisses me off! I hate that we have all that brush back there and now they have to add to it, thanks so fucking much! I want rid of it all too. But not $14,000 bad.

God I just want the kids to do as I ask with out arguing! Do there chores when I ask, how I ask, in a timely manner, without disappearing before they are all done. Everytime I ask for something to be done, they disappear before they have finished and they complain the entire time they are doing it! It's driving me NUTS! All I want is some co-operation, is it too much to ask.
I keep getting, "can we go out to eat, wash my clothes, I need this washed, why isn't this clean, do this for me, take me here."
Now it's "why do I have to do it, she's not doing anything?" Well damn-it, because I told you too! I am so tired of it. Then they get upset because I have resorted to yelling. Well I have resorted to yelling because I feel like they aren't listening to me!
And the bickering and back biting is driving me to my wits end! I just want to hide away.
I go outside to have a cigarette and be alone and they follow me to tattle and snip, ask questions, whats for dinner and MOOOMMMMM!
I have no clue whats for dinner and it's 4:30. I just don't want to cope. I wish Tom was here, then at least he'd be cooking dinner.
Plus I have to go finish mowing the lawn. I mowed the front Thursday and the back is knee high and gone to seed. It has got to be done today, otherwisw Tom will be spending 2 hours doing it tomorrow, and it will ruin my Mothers Day because I will have to deal with all the kids then too! I just want get away!
Tom got his Mom a Manicure and Pedicure for Mothers Day. I haven't gotten mine anything yet. I know that Liz is going all out for Moms day but De seems to have forgotten that it exsists. And I have no clue if Tom got me anything! Not that I really expect anything from Tom or the kids. All I would really like is a day of quiet, no fighting, sleep late, a clean house, no talking back. But I know I won't get these things til the kids move out. I'm going to mow the lawn at least there I can be alone!, it's not quiet, but it's alone!

Hello. It is Birth Mothers day. I am so glad I have other children to take my mind off of Monica. It keeps wandering back to her though. She'll be 7 next month, growing so fast. It's been so long, yet it seems like only yesterday. Elizabeth wrote a poem for me and it made me think of her, only because I'd never done any of those mommy things for her. Never held sung to her late at night, never stroked her hair when she was sick, never bought her a first day of school dress, never pushed her on the swings. None of the good or the bad. I regret that I couldn't be a mommy for her. Yes, I gave her life, but I could not be her life. I wish I could be apart of her life. There is an ache in my heart, an empty place. Most days I can over look it, but days like today, tomorrow, her birthday, Halloween, special days in her life and mine. I find it hard to put her out of my head, to not wonder what if, to not wonder how she is.
I know Ed and Janet are her parents now, I understand that, I entrusted them with my baby, to raise, to love and keep as thier own, but every once in awhile, thier is a tinge of the what ifs, the regrets, the maybe somedays.... But she is not my child in any way but biologically. I thought I had come to terms with that. Maybe not.

Ahhhh home at last, I have been at Nashua with the kids since 8p.m. They had a barbaque for the employees, so the kids and I went. It was supposed to start at 8, it didn't start until 8:30, the bosses gave them a 1 hour break to go along with it, so it was nice to see Tom for an hour. But I had to sit and wait for 30 minutes trying to keep the boys away from the grill and the paking lot and occupied. It was frustrating! Oh well. Of course, De got sent to the car for the last 15 minutes because she kept yelling, I wasn't doing that at work. It was worth it though.
Of course we came home to a saga, Liz thought her turtle was gone! It wasn't it was just in the water. She had tears and everything.
I hope Tony and Sherrie are ok. I know now is going to be a rough time for Tony. If there is anything we can do.....

The august month was me, but when I tried to send it to you, it wouldn't let me :-( Don't remember what the error said. And to deal with the Blogger demon, let me let you in on a little hint I have already learned. Copy, that way if it doesn't work, you can always just paste it back in a new blogspot :D Yes i learned this already in my short time :D! Do it EVERY TIME!!!!!!!!!!

Well, Tom got his own Blog today. This makes me a little nervous. But we agreed, he can read mine, I can read his, if we want with out getting mad. So we can still vent. I think it will be good for him. Maybe it will help him. I got a sub job for Monday, at the Middle school again. But at least it's work.
We had great sex today! It was wonderful. I needed it! It was so good. Relaxing, comforting, invigorating. Wonderful! Took a few pics. I hope they are good enough to send to Sher ;-)

ARGH! Subed for 7th grade again! AHHHHHHHH! I hate 7th grade! I don't remember it being that bad! What made it even worse was during 5th period, I said something to Tyler about using spell check on a report he turned in because he spelled China wrong (and it was a report on China) and everyone thought this was hilarious! The class went nuts, and of course Mr McClane (the principal) was out in the hall at the time. So this looks terrible for me.
Then in sixth period, about 10 minutes before the end of the day, my mom comes in, and of course they start making more noise, so she starts in. Open your books, find something to do or I'll give you something to do, face front, etc. She just came in, started bullying and took over. I was soooo embarassed! No mortified. I wanted to die. What was worse was that Elizabeth was in there too,( Elementary school gets out 10 min before Middle) so she was already there.
First period was ok, but it got progressively worse from there. Can you tell? I didn't even get to talk to Tom before he left for work, and Ellie was here when I got home, plus she stayed til 4:15 and she had a puppy with her! Fun huh? What a day!

The last post was actually written several hours ago, our internet connection hasn't been working for shit tonight. The night is calm now. And it should stay that way until morning. We are expecting more rain tomorrow, all week for that matter. I think I'll keep Yahoo Messenger off, it seems to mess the computer up more. I can't wait until Tom gets home.
I was bragging yesterday that I got sex, well I am regretting that today, it seems like every time I get sex, it just makes me want it more for several days, then by the time Tom wants it again, I really don't. He's not even close to in the mood, but I am horny. I want dick! I have a need. I almost wish we hadn't had sex. Then I wouldn't want it so much, but I know he won't be up for it until weekend. We are not on the same horniness schedule. I want it in the evenings, at night when the kids are all quiet and I am relaxed, he wants during the moring or afternoon. I just can't do it while the kids are up, and annoying me! Ah well, we manage. He'll be home soon.

The weather fits my mood right now. It's stormy; the wind is blowing furiously, with rain coming down in sheets! This is only intermittent of course, right now; it's pretty calm.
I haven't been working this week, no sub jobs, and not working with dad. I hate my job that much. I know that I will have to go back full time once school is out, but I so don't want to that I am just laying out letting him think that I am subbing.
I do have a sub-job tomorrow though. Seventh graders again argh! I don't know why I took it, probably because we need the money, but hey, whatever works.
Tom went back to work yesterday, and bedtime went amazingly smooth, I had both boys in bed before Tom got home, and Tom's dinner warming in the micro (it dinged as he pulled in) perfect timing on everything. However today was shot to hell. I worked hard before the girls got home, while James was still napping, getting the living room and part of the kitchen clean. I was so exhausted that when D came home, I fell asleep on the couch. WRONG! She let the boys get into eveything! It was worse than this morning when Thomas was alone up here unsupervised. D just sat and watched TV, which I told her Thomas was grounded from. She does nothing if the idiot box is on. I was soooooo mad! So I had to clean the living room 3 times today!

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I hadn't realized it had been so long since I had an entry. I guess since I was gone Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Alot happened those days. I went to a convention, The Knoxville Diocesan Council of Catholic Women, convention. It was the first time I felt like an adult, like an equal. I have been going to these things for about 5 years, but I have always felt in my mom’s shadow. This time, mother was so busy elsewhere, she didn't have time to hover over me. I made my own friends, instead of just hanging out with her and her friends, or the ladies from my church. I got REALLY drunk on Friday night! My mom made me feel like a teenager there, she got some ladies worried and came looking for me. It made me feel like I had to come home now (shake finger here). I found out the next morning that the party was still going on in Eileen’s room, till about 2. Oh well, maybe next year. I really feel like I came into my own at this one. I even made arrangements to have lunch with Patricia when Tom has his surgery. I finally feel like a grown up! I shouldn't feel too bad about it though, I was still the youngest one there. All of these women are old enough to be my mothers and grandmothers. But they are great ladies! THREE CHEERS FOR THE CATHOLIC LADIES!!!!!!!!