So much has happened, too much going on, post details later..... Talked to Luv, it was Good :)

It’s Tuesday, Tom didn’t go to work yesterday or today. I didn’t go to work, today. We called Dr. Merwin. He called in a couple of meds for Tom. I hope they help. I also picked up some more nose spray. Hopefully all this will help Tom feel well enough to go to work tomorrow.

I went to look at that farmhouse and property with Mom yesterday. NO WAY IN HELL!!!! It was beautiful property, but the house was uninhabitable. It would have had to been torn down. The barn was in better condition. The land was beautiful but it was too far out in the wrong direction. The problem now is, Mom is trying to get me to look at houses in the Knox county direction, and I don’t want to move to Knox County. I think. At least I don’t think I do. I’d really have to think about it long and hard. I like living in small town, I’m not sure I want to move to bigger town. Besides, there is Tony and Sherrie to think about. They will be coming soon, and if we move, we have to find somewhere for all of us, that we are all willing to go, at least for a little while. I still want them to live with us no matter what. Maybe we should just concentrate on making this house better and not worry about moving anywhere else right now.

James is fighting taking a nap lately. Yesterday he didn’t fall asleep until almost 5 and today it’s 4:45, he’s been down since 1:45, and I give up. Let him go to bed early! And what is with this age and being naked?!? All he seems to want is to be naked when he’s in bed. Not when he’s up, just when he’s in bed.

Well, As you can see the page is different :-) Cool huh. I chose a new template; I was very tired of kitties. Never really liked them anyway, I just wanted the link and e-mail me features. Anyway, I found another template with those features that I liked the layout and set-up of better and was messing with it last night when Tom came home from work and was complaining that I didn’t really like the colors, and he was like "oh well that's easy to change." Well I didn't know that! I feel like an idiot, but we tinkered for awhile, ok closer to an hour and a half, lol (almost 2 hours). But I got close to the colors I want, and I know how to do it myself for future reference. :-D I was so happy to figure out some of the code stuff it was cool. Course some I didn't get figured out but it was 1:30 in the morning and I was exhausted. Maybe I'll tinker some more later. I have been working around the house on and off today, so not on the computer much, but I had to put this in my Blog.

Tonight is the International Dinner at church, I am making something totally different, and something I am not even sure I will like. I am making Keilbsa and cabbage. I decided to go with Tom's Polish heritage for a Nationality since everyone always seems to make Italian. I wanted to make something different. Plus it's a crock pot recipe, so it's easy, and it smells yummy.

DeAnne came home for a bit today while we were out shopping for the cabbage and keilbasa. She hurt Elizabeth very badly when we got home. Liz takes it very much to heart that De doesn't want to come home and doesn't want to live here. We are trying to point out to her that it's not Liz she doesn't love or want to be with, it's the responsibility and rules, etc. that comes with being here that she doesn't want. We asked her to wait outside and keep an eye on the boys because Liz was crying in the kitchen and we were trying to talk to her, so De storms out "This is why I hate living here” Oh well Mom is working on her. I wish there was something we could do, but I really don't want the turmoil she causes.

Anyway, gotta get back to cleaning. Computer desk next. Keeping Messenger on if anyone wants to distract me LOL :-D

Today was a FANTASTIC DAY!!!!!!! I'm excited.
I asked Mom to go with me to look at the farm that Jerrys dad wants to sell, she will. We are going Monday. She is also willing to help with $ if need be, to buy it and keep this house to use as a rental. Very good.
Got good news from the IRS today, our tax return will be mailed next Friday, FINALLY!!!!
Went grocery shopping with the kids, and they even behaved!
They all ate dinner without complaint.
The boys went to bed without a problem.
Tom put his name on a job posting at work, for a day job, in the office :-D.
I was accepted to the WWdN Blog ring.

Today has just been so great. I am sooooooo happy. It has been a wonderful day! I haven't had this good a day in a long time!

I am mad at Tom. We had a talk and I told him he had to come to bed by 2 am because this staying up at the computer til he fell asleep was not healthy and since I had to get up and leave in the morning he needed to be up with the boys. The previous night he had fallen asleep at the computer and didn't come to bed until 5. Last night I went to bed at 1:45, I told him to Blog, since I knew he wanted to, and come to bed since it was almost 2. I woke up at 3:30 to pee and he still wasnt in bed, since I had to come upstairs to pee (no paper in the basement) I discovered that he was still at the computer. ARGH. And this morning I looked and he hasn't even Blogged, what he said he wanted to do anyway! I was so mad last night I wouldn't even let him touch me in bed. He came down about 3:45. I was still mad and awake, also allergies were keeping me up. Sigh. What am I supposed to do. His dizziness is worse when he doesn't get enough rest, but when he stays up til 4am and has to get up at 9 so I can go to work, what am I supposed to do??? ARRRRGGHHHH!!!!

Today has been ok, except for the fact that I am missing a lens out of my glasses. I have no clue what happened to it. It must have happened yesterday while I napped. Before that both lenses were in the glasses, and I never touched them until this morning. Tom noticed it last night while he was on the computer. I’m guessing a child had them and Liz put them on the desk, but where the other lens is, is a mystery.

Mary was at work yesterday and today. Though mom said last night she doesn’t think Mary will work out. I’m not sure why she said it, must be something dad said. I think it’s because she is too smart and she speaks her mind. She was telling me some of the things I missed yesterday. I had to laugh. If she lasts she’ll learn he’s not listening anyway. Plus he is too set in his ways to change.

Liz is so upset. DeAnne was very cruel to her today at mom & dads. Jerry brought his daughter over to go swimming with my girls, and unfortunately, they played odd man out with Liz and De was very cruel. Hurt Liz a lot. I feel bad for Liz. I remember how much it hurt when Ade and Trish did it to me. Plus De was showing off. They invented a secret handshake and a code so they could keep Liz out of it. I wanted to cry for her. I wanted to beat DeAnne to a pulp. I wanted to hold Liz while she cried (but I was driving home). I told Liz we’d get pizza for dinner to help her feel better ;-) Hey with a bowl of ice cream afterwards, the perfect feel better meal!

And Today:

Tom went to see Dr. Merwin this morning; I drove, so I did not go to work. I just left a message on the machine, so I have no clue how pissed he was that I didn’t come in.

Dr. Merwin has the Short-Term Disability papers and will send them back to us. I hope we get that money soon. I know, of course, it will be 6-8 weeks before we see anything.

Mom had the kids until about 2:45, De is still there “getting her room ready” That still makes me feel like I have a big rock in my stomach. But I know this is in DeAnne’s best interest. Hell it’s in the best interest of all the kids. I know she is better off with Mom, that things will be better here at home with here not here. It is so much quieter without her, and Thomas is nicer to James when she and Liz aren’t fighting all the time.

Anyway, back to Dr. Merwin, cleaned out his nose, told him to use the nasal spray, which Tom hates, offered to give him more time off, which we can’t afford. But anyway, we go back in one month. So Tom is back to work. :-( I miss him.

Notes from the weekend:

OK, so it was a VERY eventful weekend! I will try to give an abbreviated version so as not to take too long to type this. Both girls came home Saturday morning. They started fighting the minute they saw each other…I am not exaggerating! I walked in the door with Liz and they started bickering. I hate that crap!

Well I finally decided to ask my Mom about De living with them on a semi-permanent basis. It took me until Sunday afternoon to get up he courage, but I did it. And well they are getting her room ready. I thought for sure my dad would say no way, but he said fine. Shocked me, I’m not sure I was ready for it. De will stay with Mom and Dad Monday through Friday and come home Friday, Saturday and Sunday. This way she’ll be here while there are two adults here to deal with her, that helps me a lot. She is all for this idea.

I talked to Sherrie on Saturday and Sunday, phone :-D wooohoooo. I love hearing her voice! Anyway, we figured we would make De’s room a Child’s Den when she’s gone and her room on weekends. This way we get the toys out of the basement, and can get it ready for Tony and Sherrie to move in. Though I get the feeling the Tony doesn’t really want to that. I think he wants to come down and start off in there own place. He didn’t say that, but I just get that feeling from him. I want so much for Tony and Sherrie to live with us. I know they want there own place, but I miss them sooo much, I want them here. I want them in my house for awhile. I hope it works out. They are looking at coming down for a visit in July/August; and for good, by the first of the year. I hope they can save the money. I know that we could do it, but I know that Tony is very much an instant gratification type person, so I wonder if he can save. I REALLY hope so. Sherrie, Tom and I want this so bad we can taste it, but I wonder how much Tony really wants it. I’m sure Sherrie and I want it more than even Tom, but I hope the three of us can want it enough for it to happen.

OK Don't have the Blog from the 12th but here is FRIDAY JUNE 13th longhand Blog:

I am so bad. After yesterday's fiasco (my fight with Dad and leaving at 1) I got to work at noon because I wanted to be here as little as possible. Dad left at 12:30, but as still back by 2:30. Mary still hasn’t shown up. She’s called in every afternoon with some excuse or another. At least he’s giving Mary another chance. Maybe her coming back will make work more bearable. Dad has a sign on the door looking for office help. I want to get someone trained ASAP so I can leave & not feel guilty.

I was kinda peeved when Jerry told me that dad told him I left early yesterday because I wasn’t feeling well :P I’m not feeling well now! Probably that sandwich from 2 days ago that I just ate. I’m still hungry though.

Good golly it’s hot in here, he needs to turn on the AC. I think I’ll let Tom turn on the AC at home too. It’s just that our electric bill has been so high lately.

I am irritated with Dad for all the little things. Plus he keeps promising me he’ll do stuff at my house: Jerry will do stuff, but it never happens. Jerry has been to Trish’s house 14 times! He’s been to my house twice, I think. I bought all the stuff to move my washer and dryer (not that I could tell you where it is right now) 6 months ago, have they been moved? NO of course not! Dad is paying Jerry $12 an hour to build 2x4 shelves for Trish’s garage. Did he promise my kids swings 5 years ago? Is it built? He paid Jerry to hang Trish’s hanging baskets, but have my French drain been dug, that he promised me would be done?

I talked to mom this morning on my way to work, she thinks it’s because I am doing to him what she did so many years ago….start subbing then leaving him.

Becoming a brainless drone is hard when you are an intelligent woman. I keep repeating over and over “it’s not my place, it’s not my place” or “it’s none of my business, it’s none of my business”. This is what he said to me during our fight yesterday. That the service side of the business was “None of my business and it wasn’t my place to ask questions.”! But don’t get me started on that again!

I am trying to stay one step ahead of him; anticipate what he’ll want/need, do what he wants before he asks, but still I am getting nowhere. Jerry smiled and gave me thumbs up when I had already done what Daddy asked. (It just seems to annoy Dad that I am doing what he wants before he asks) It’s like Jerry is afraid to speak too. We whisper to each other behind dad’s back. It’s stupid & almost unbearable. It’s hard not to talk. The silence is hanging heavy in the air. We are not speaking to each other at all, not small talk; not work talk, no niceties, nothing. It’s like a curtain of silence has fallen. It’s miserable.

I will call Debbie Berry (Director of Special Education) as soon as John leaves again. (He never did, so I never could). I will ask about a job at Food Lion when I go shopping later (never went shopping) I am sooo tired of all the tension in the pit of my stomach & no that isn’t hunger :-)

And that damndable inbox is EMPTY!!!!!! Of course now my desk has 3 ft of shit piled on it, but hey, now he can quit bitchin about that fucking inbox!!!

I wish Tom and I could be alone tonight. The girls will be gone; maybe we can put the boys to bed early! I just wish we could go out…. It doesn’t help that I am REALLY hungry right now!

Well home at last and we closed the windows and turned on the AC. Tom and I had a nice night, we played Trivial Pursuit, which took 4 hours, but I finally won. Stupid yellow and brown questions. All in all it was a great night.

I did Blog long hand at work today, but I left in a rush and in tears so I left it on my desk under some papers. Opps. I guess I'll just put it all in tomorrow.

My first Post at WWdN says it all:

Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2003 8:01 pm Post subject: To quit or not to quit, that is the question-long

Ok, this is a first topic for me, and a deep one. I need help making a decision.

I hate my job. I work in a small business. I don't work full time. My boss is my father. I hate working there. I hate that every minute in and out of work with him, is spent discussing work. I have worked there for 13 years. I finally made the decision to quit and gave notice in May. I told him I would stay until July 31 to train my replacement. This is just before the new school year starts, I am a substitute and am hoping to get the full time teaching assistant position I applied for.

This week, we have gotten into 3 fights, he has made me cry 3 times, yesterday I left early after we fought. And today he had the nerve to tell me I "had no right to ask questions, it wasn't my place. It wasn't my business and I needed to stay out of the service side of the business." That is what I have done for the last 13 years!

I just don't know if it is worth it anymore. I must say the car I drive is a "company" car, a minivan he bought and parked until my mom convinced him I needed it more than it needed to be parked and when I offered to buy it he refused, he wanted the tax write off. He has also given me a gas card for this car. He has taken over my cell phone account to use as his own and added lines to it. He didn't like his carrier and mine had a better deal, so instead of getting his own contract he transferred mine (which made it not so long) into his name and added lines to it, so I still have a phone, as well as his phones for the business and my moms are all on this plan. I did not ask for any of this and I am willing to hand over the gas card and the phone. I don't think I can give up the minivan yet (I have 4 kids and our only other car is a sedan).

I am willing to work at the local grocery store until school starts and I am working again in the schools. My family needs two incomes, so not working is not an option. I don't want to let my Dad down and leave him high and dry without an office person and without anyone to train an office person once he hires one, but I also don't know if I can handle the stress and misery that he has been making me feel all week. And this is not a one time thing, we are a volatile combination, we get along much better than we used to, but...... right now......

On my way home today my plan was go to work tomorrow, work all day, get my paycheck, and at 5 tell him I wasn't coming back, ever. Now that I'm calmer, I don't know if I should. I am hoping different heads and opinions will help.

So if any of you have any advice, words of wisdom, HELP, PLEASE! I need all the help I can get.

Mmmmmmmm. Tom woke me up for some good lovins last night, and oh yes it was good! I like when he wakes me for sex. Makes me feel like he just can't wait for it, that I am sooo desireable that he can't resist me :) I love feeling that way. Besides when he wakes me for sex he is usually REALLY horny and its REALLY good. Like last night! I got oral sex, he brought me sooo close to a g-spot orgasm I almost cried when it didn't happen. But oh well. He made me orgasm several times so it was well worth the interupted sleep at 4a.m.

Anyway the whole reason I came to blog this morning was to complain about the phone. I almost wish it wasn't fix. We don't answer 90% of our calls! We look at the caller id and don't answer it. It seems the only ones who call anymore are people who want money that we don't have. Sigh. I gotta borrow some from my mom. First I gotta find out what we owe, and then talk to my mom. :(

I just read Tom's Blog. Have you ever heard two more unsatisfied people in your life. No wonder our kids aren't happy, we are miserable. The problem is, I can motivate myself to do something about it, and I am doing something about my goals. But I can't make Tom DO SOMETHING about his! I can't make him take that first step, get out of his comfort zone, make a goal plan and stick to it. I wish I could, but I can't force him to do anyting. He has good ideas, good plans, he just can't seem to follow through.(which drives me to distraction!!!) He needs to look into an education program, the $ will come. If he looks into the program and we don't get enough in Pell grants to cover it...Matthew Leska here we come. But I'm not bying a book on grants if he's not going to take the first step! He has to take the first step and find a college, a program he wants to do first. He also needs to call the shrink he's been saying he's gonna call for months. He won't talk to me, but he tells me he's gonna call a shrink and still hasn't! ARGH. What can I do??? Oh well, gotta get him up for coffee :-)

Off to work. I'll probably Blog more long hand today :-) I I get alot of writting done at work lately. Wish I could just go ahead and enter it, but oh well. See ya later.

Written Long hand at work, entered later :-(

I need some help, we need $ desperately! I called DHS for a food stamp application today. I may hate doing it but I have to, my family needs it. It depresses me so much to make that call. I hate being this desperate! I’m going to have to borrow $ from my Mom until we get our tax return. We found out today it could be awhile, there has been a delay, they don’t know what. The sum we are to get back is wrong and that is delaying our return. We won’t know until next week whether it’s in our favor or theirs. They will call us sometime and talk to us, or we are to call them again next week. We have to pay our mortgage. We are soooo behind! I wish I didn’t have to borrow $ from Mom, but I just don’t know anyone else I can borrow from. I wish there were someone else, anyone else!

Again Jerry bought me lunch. I have to do something nice for him, I just don’t know what. He is such a nice guy. The only problem is it’s 3 o’clock so I’m not gonna want to cook dinner until late. Maybe I’ll stick half in the fridge and save it for tomorrow.

The girls came to see me at work today :D It was nice to see them for a few minutes. They wanted to know who the cardboard cut-out in Dad’s office was, lol. They get along so much better when they aren’t with each other 24/7, less competition, more friendship.

I wish Mary had shown up for work today, then at least I’d have someone to talk to, instead of being bored senseless. I wish I could be on the net! On WWdN, Bloging for real instead of doing this long hand….. I think if I didn’t get so bored and tired at work I could do something when I got home, but all I want to do when I get home is nap. Which is exactly what I did today, I slept for 1 ½ hours! Thank you Tom!

I need help coming up with a poster idea to sell myself as a sub in case I don’t get a permanent position with the school system. Just an 8x11 that I can print out on the computer and have photocopied to give to teachers, also to e-mail to teachers.

I got my new shoes tonight after work, and hey were $5 cheaper than the other ones :-) So I came home with change! They seem to be much better, though I slept (as I said before) and didn’t wear my shoes, so the real test will be tomorrow.

I wrote this at work all day Monday 6/9/03

The need to Blog is great in this one.

Aw hell. Yesterday got better as the day went on. The kids¡¦ rooms are clean, but the rest of the house is still a shambles. I wish I could keep something clean. I need a cleaning lady! Someone to come clean for me once or twice a week. Do all the things I hate to do, or don¡¦t have time to do myself. The need for clean is great in me is great, however the motivation to get off my ass and do something about it is VERY small!

Tom and I went to Wal-Mart alone last night ƒº I must return my new sneakers, they are killing my feet! $25 Dr. Scholl¡¦s with air cushion insoles, and they hurt my heels. I can¡¦t walk without pain. They make my feet hurt for hours after I take them off. I am returning them! Anyway, Tom took FOREVER! To pick out a new game for himself, I got a new book, we both got candy, it was nice being alone together. We were there for like an hour and a half looking for a game!

Did I mention that Dad hired my replacement? Her name is Mary. I like her. Jerry doesn¡¦t think she¡¦ll work out, but I hope she does. She¡¦s pretty cool. She¡¦s 35, tattoo, belly ring, 1 kid, married, computer girlie, clean freak, nice lady. Way too educated for this job, but hey, seems to be what she wants, I hope so, I like her. We could be friends.

Today is going well. Overslept a bit, but got a shower this morning. Feels good. Gonna leave work early and weed a bit and mow the lawn I think. (I am writing this in long hand to type into my Blog later when I get home) Maybe clean a bit before the hockey game. I need to take care of some of the clutter & weeds. I have 2 tomato plants I need to get planted. I want tomatoes.

Tom & I are gonna get Chinese tonight for game 7¡K. GO DEVILS!!!!!!! We¡¦ve spent a shit load of $ on take out and going out in the last few weeks but¡K. This will be the last for awhile.

I have a heaadache & I am tired! I wish I could Dad weren¡¦t here so I could put my head down and take a nap, like I did last week :) zzzz

At least now I know why I have been so bitchy & itchy & tired & cranky & horny, etc. For some reason I started my period again. I am so off schedule it¡¦s not funny! I also had to explain what "Aunt Flo coming to visit" measnt to Liz. She overheard me say it and so had to explain it to her, of course it was in front of Tom so it embarrassed the hell out of her! Maybe that¡¦s why I¡¦m so feeling the need for clean, or maybe Mary & her obsessive compulsive cleaning is making me feel guilty for being such a slob. I don¡¦t know.

I have decided if Dad keeps giving me a hard time at work I will quit early and apply at Wal-Mart or Food Lion or somewhere else around here until school starts. I am soooo tired of being here at the store. But¡K. It¡¦s such an easy job! What can I say, I want a job with the schools. A job that I can feel happy and satisfied in. A job that I can feel appreciated and useful in. Is that asking too much? I put my application in with the school system for a full time position. Now I just wait for a call I guess. Mom suggested I call Debbie Berry and confirm that she got my application, I think I will. If I don¡¦t get a full time position, I will go to each of the schools on July 31 and introduce myself to the teachers, and offer my services as a sub. Start filling my calendar early with sub dates. I am going to sub as much as possible If I don¡¦t get full time. At $47.50 a day it¡¦s not bad $ and I LOVE IT!

Dad just called me in the back to look at a tub he ¡§found¡¨. Wanted to know if it would fit either of my bathrooms. Yup, I measured it years ago. It will fit upstairs. Just need him to put it in. Told him that.

I am walking around here with no shoes on. My socks are getting filthy! Oh well, at least my feet don¡¦t hurt.

Should I leave early? I didn¡¦t come in til 11. I know we need the $, but I hate sticking around here doing nothing. Oh well didn¡¦t get to leave early, Jerry needed some help after Dad left on a job. Oh well, Tom did get the lawn mowed, I didn¡¦t get anything cleaned, but I went to a new store that I¡¦d never been to before. Very cheap food stuffs. Dented cans, great prices. Will be going there more! Must clean some tomorrow.

De left to spend a few days with Mom, so we shall have peace for a few days, at least until Thursday, when she comes home. Unfortunatly I didn't get to say good-bye to her :( Oh well, I'll stop over and see her on my way home tomorrow.

6/8/03 SUNDAY (tried to post-BLOG was down)

I have had enough! I hate this crap! The house is a sty, the kids are uncooperative, and I hate my life! The girls do nothing but complain. Thomas does nothing but make a mess. I am so tired of Thomas hitting, kicking, and calling names. I want DeAnne gone. I don’t want her anymore. I don’t know what else to do. She stayed with Mom and Dad for 4 days (and will until summer school is over) But since she has been home, my stress level has gone up, Thomas has been mean and hitting and calling names. He even picked up a new one….”Loser” wonder where he got that one? Not. I am so tired of it. My family is so peaceful, I get very few arguments when she’s not here, Thomas doesn’t hit or call names, I am less frustrated. I have now said she is or her attitude is bitchy 3 times this morning, for lack of better description. I know I shouldn’t, but I don’t know what else to say! I hate the way she makes me feel. I hate what she does to my family. I want this to stop!!!!!! And the only way I know to make it stop, is to make her go away!

It's been rough. Tom's surgery went well, cleaned out his sinuses. It's been stressful. The surgery was fine, it’s been the lack of sleep and the nicotine withdrawals that accompanied it, that has sucked. The kids are driving me nuts! Keeping them quiet so Tom can rest is horrid! They are loud. I want them to be quiet!!!!!!!!!

Trying to get the kids to clean has been a trial. I have been trying to get the girls to clean their rooms for days. They have yet to finish to my satisfaction. And it's been going on for 2 days! I have been doing laundry, load after load after load non-stop for 3 days (yes we had that much piled up), and I go back to Liz's room and discover she still hasn't brought her laundry to the laundry room and I have already finished whites and darks!!!!!! So frustrating! And she still has a pile of stuff under her desk. I think I will go in there with a trash can tomorrow and "help" her. Mwhahahahahaha!!!!! Yes I am feeling that evil!

The phone is still down. I am seriously thinking of calling MCI and saying FU! I am not paying for service for the last 2 weeks because I haven't had service for 2 weeks! For Christ sakes get it fixed already! We have not had phone service since the Thursday before Memorial Day! I am so sick of this shit!

Mom has decided to teach summer school this summer, and has asked De to be a peer tutor. Because of this De is going to stay at Mom's house Monday through Thursday...so she can go to summer school with her. Yeah. It helps me out too. No De and Liz at each other’s throats all the time. But now I have Liz, "why didn't she ask me, aren't I smart enough, etc. etc." ahhhhhhhhhhhhh Now I keep getting but she gets to do the fun stuff. : (I can't do anything right) What else can I do wrong.

I am so stressed!!!!!!!!