Hello. It is Birth Mothers day. I am so glad I have other children to take my mind off of Monica. It keeps wandering back to her though. She'll be 7 next month, growing so fast. It's been so long, yet it seems like only yesterday. Elizabeth wrote a poem for me and it made me think of her, only because I'd never done any of those mommy things for her. Never held sung to her late at night, never stroked her hair when she was sick, never bought her a first day of school dress, never pushed her on the swings. None of the good or the bad. I regret that I couldn't be a mommy for her. Yes, I gave her life, but I could not be her life. I wish I could be apart of her life. There is an ache in my heart, an empty place. Most days I can over look it, but days like today, tomorrow, her birthday, Halloween, special days in her life and mine. I find it hard to put her out of my head, to not wonder what if, to not wonder how she is.
I know Ed and Janet are her parents now, I understand that, I entrusted them with my baby, to raise, to love and keep as thier own, but every once in awhile, thier is a tinge of the what ifs, the regrets, the maybe somedays.... But she is not my child in any way but biologically. I thought I had come to terms with that. Maybe not.