Yes at times like these I wish I knew how to type without looking at the keys. I am sitting at the computer, in the dark, trying to type this by the light of the screen. Bear with me.

I can't believe I am still up either. I know it's unlike me. It must be the stress or the depression or something. I don't know what.

I am excited because we have our first contractor over tomorrow afternoon to give us an estimate on the work we want done on the house.

I'm depressed because the house is such a mess and I don't want anyone to see it. It's so cluttered, I just wat to throw things away, but it seems like such a waste to do that. I have such a hard time getting anyone to help me keep it clean that it's driving me insane! It's good to talk to Sherrie, then I at least get some of these feelings out.

I am so screwed up. Maybe it's just that so many good things have been happening to me lately and I feel guilty because Tom is having such a rough time. Work has been going good. Dad hired a new girl, Cindy, she starts in the morning. I like her, I hope she'll work out. The house stuff is moving forward. I've been getting things accomplished. Dad and I aren't fighting anymore. But the better I am, the worse Tom seems to be. I don't know what to do. I wish he would call a shrink.

So, why if things are going well am I up at 5 am? Why have I been up til at least 3 for the last three days? What is wrong with me? I was in bed. It felt wrong. I didn't feel right laying next to Tom. Guilty. I don't know why, maybe for coming to bed so late. I decided, what the hell, I'm up, I'll Blog, get dressed, then catch a cat nap on the couch til 8 when I have to get up anyway. I wanted to clean, but I'm afraid I'll make too much noise and wake someone up. Well I'm not making any noise except the tapping of the keys, and Thomas just walked out and decided to settle himself on the sofa! So maybe I won't catch that cat nap.